NotSoUpshot Oneshots
by AnchorageUnpainted
Summary: The randomness that passes through my warped brain on a sort-of-daily basis! Total crack, meant for humor only! These will mostly be Kenpachi-centric and Renji-centric, but I am accepting recommendations for pairings and themes! :3 T for language.
1. Santa Stork

**** HAI! I know I'm supposed to be working on Have Faith In Me, but I run out of time to write whole chapters sometimes...and...this is what happens. So. Enjoy these, this one is about Kenny and Yachiru :D IF YOU HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS, PLEASE DO NOT HESITATE TO RECOMMEND ONE! :D I enjoy recommendations and would like to write to your ideas/prompts/character pairings! Has funs!****

1. Santa Stork

Kenpachi knew that the day would come. He didn't know when, but he knew it would have to be soon. After all, Yachiru had to grow up.  
"Ken-chan, Featherface told me that a stork made me," she said one day, innocently tugging on his haori.  
He glanced down at her, but the statement didn't register. The sentece passed multiple times through his mind, each word hanging bit by bit in the cobwebs of his brain. "He said what?" he finally grunted, sitting down at his desk.  
Yachiru climbed up onto the desk, doll in hand, to sit atop his paperwork. "I asked Featherface how babies got here. And he said that some bird brought me here." Kenpachi mentally facepalmed. He wasn't ready to answer that question, and didn't quite know what to tell her. In fact, what he felt was sheer panic. "A bird, huh?" he asked, wracking his brain for answers.  
"Yeah! A big bird, that has a nest of babies!"  
"Well, that's not what I know," he started. Now how would he finish up? What the hell was he thinking?  
"What is it, then?" she squealed. "I wanna know!"  
He stuttered. For once in his fantastically violent life, Kenpachi Zaraki stuttered. "It's...It's Santa Stork," he growled. "And that's all you need to know."  
She stared. "Santa Stork?"  
"Yeah. Santa Stork. No more questions."  
"But what does he do?"  
He gave a disguted snort. "I told you not to ask anything else," he muttered. He scooted her off of his paperwork with his massive paw.  
Her tiny hands clapped onto his face with a bit of force. "Ken-chan! I have to know!" There was no getting out of it. She was set on it now, and if he didn't come up with something, then she would find someone else to ask. And if she found someone else, who might be educated on the matter, then he had problems. Big ones.  
"Okay. But I'm only gonna tell you once," he started, searching for any kind of answer in his head. What was that American holiday? The fat guy in the red suit? "There's this guy. He's really fat. And has this beard. Right?"  
She nodded, her eyes wide in anticipation.  
"His name is...Santa Stork. And...every...Halloween, he rides this giant...stork...out to deliver babies." What the hell was that? She isn't gonna buy it, he thought, his pulse speeding up angrily. "What's Halloween, then?" she asked, and he realized she was hanging on his every word.  
But hell, he didn't know what Halloween was. He'd seen pictures of it in the human world- kids wearing those crazy costumes that looked like something he needed to kill. "It's when they pass out Easter Eggs," he guessed. "And then the next day everybody opens presents."  
"So I was a present?" she squealed. "I knew it!"  
Satisfied with his answer, Yachiru lept from his desk, scattering all his papers and pens. Only her doll clattered to the floor behind her as the door slammed shut.


	2. Kenny of War

3. Kenny of War

After hours of watching Ikkaku and Renji play with what they called a "Playstation", Kenpachi had come to a conclusion.  
This man, one they called "Kratos", the God of War, was his new role model. The man had everything-hell, he even had the gods wrapped around his...well...blades. His whole character appealed to Kenpachi in a way that he didn't quite understand. He'd never actually looked up to anyone, until now.  
"Is this man real?" he asked, peering over Ikkaku's shoulder.  
Engrossed in the game, Ikkaku only shrugged, mashing buttons furiously.  
Kenpachi could only watch in amazement as Kratos tore through what seemed to be some kind of fish monster. If this man was real, Kenpachi decided, he had to find him. This God of War would teach him everything he needed to know, and then he would be unstoppable. The man even seemed to be using some kind of high-powered Kidou, which was something that Kenpachi had never been able to do. And yet this man, who had no interactions with what he discerned to be some kind of wild Zanpakutou, seemed to have mastered Kidou and Zanjutsu. "I'm going to find Kratos," Kenpachi announched, standing up abruptly. "I need to spar him."  
"Good luck with that," Renji muttered, but neither he or Ikkaku had actually processed what Kenpachi said.  
Deciding that Kratos must be somewhere in the human world, Kenpachi grudgingly went through the nearest gate to Karakura Town and snagged a gigai. Surely he would be able to locate a man with such large spiritual powers, right?  
But stepping into Karakura Town, he felt no sign of Kratos. Was he hiding?  
He wandered aimlessly for hours, searching every nook and cranny of Karakura Town. This man was a master of disguise, he decided, and began to search through the various people in the markets.  
As he was passing the entrance to the mall, however, he heard a familiar battle cry. Could it be Kratos? He blundered through the mall and toward the source of the noise. There, in the front window of the store labeled "Game Stop", was a cardboard cut out of Kratos. The man must live here, Kenpachi thought, noticing that there were boxes everywhere with this man's figure on it. He entered the store cautiously. If this man was as masterful as Kenpachi thought he was, then he should be able to tell when one so strong as he entered the store. He noticed the banner hanging from the ceiling as he entered: "God of War Release Party". This man was celebrated by masses.  
There, in the corner of the store, Kenpachi saw a flash of red and white. He dove for the man blindly-it had to be Kratos. There was no denying it. "Tell me you're Kratos!" Kenpachi howled, shaking the man violently by the shoulders. "I've come to fight!"  
The man in Kenpachi's hands, however, was not Kratos. It was a diminutive teenager, painted up to look like the God of War with plastic chains wrapped around his wrists. "I'm not really K-kratos," the teen stuttered, shivering. "Please put me down."  
Kenpachi dropped him. "Then tell me where he is, and now. Or I'll cut you down," he threatened.  
"He's not real, mister," the kid stammered, shivering so hard that the plastic chains rattled. "I don't know why you're looking for him."  
"What do you mean, he's not real? He obviously owns this store! Look, his picture is everywhere!"  
The kid stared blankly until Kenpachi dropped him, and then took it upon himself to attempt and save his soul. He snatched the nearest God of War box and held it up to Kenpachi's eyes, pointing to the bottom ESRB rating.  
"Fantasy violence. And based on a fictional character. H-he's not the real guy. S-sorry..."  
For once in his lifetime, Kenpachi turned around, walked out of the store, and went home, so distraught that he couldn't bring himself to destroy the mall. "Besides, I'm the only God of War," he thought as he reached his quarters. His mood perked up. "They did a terrible rendition of me." 


	3. Soul Cream Truck

***I hope you like this one! It was inspired by an episode of one of my favorite TV shows. :3 totally whacky. ****

2. Soul Cream Truck

"What the hell do you think you're doing, Kurotsuchi?"

Kurotsuchi Mayuri halted in his steps. Green paint dripped to the ground beneath his feet as he turned his head slowly, finding Renji glaring at him from behind.

"It's just a project, none of your concern," Kurotsuchi mewled, waving him away.

"Why does it have 'Ice Cream' written on it, then? Nobody here even knows what ice cream is," Renji pressed, studying the contraption before him.

Kurotsuchi began to swipe on another layer of apple green paint to the side of his newly-accquired truck. He was proud of it, really, and figured it would be a great way to experiment on the children of Karakura Town. He'd seen the little rats, as he called them, run for such trucks and retrieve frozen treats. How easy would it be to pass out his various drugs? All he had to do was make it sweet and ice cream flavored. Easy. And how absolutely wonderful would it be if he could catch a few souls on the way? Just for fun.

"Are you taking that to the human world?" Renji asked, circling it. On one side, Kurotsuchi had plastered his portrait up, with a label that read "Free Non-Poisonous Ice Cream" beneath it. The banner above his picture read "Soul Cream Truck", as if it was supposed to make it sound more appetizing.

"No."  
"Then what are you doing with it?"

Frustrated, Mayuri dropped the paint bucket, turning to Renji. "I told you, it's none of your concern. But I AM willing to let you try some of my Free Non-Poisonous Ice Cream! I'll give you a free sample. You tell me what you think," he rattled, reaching into the truck to pull out what looked like an ordinary creampop.

"No, I don't want anything probing my brain after I eat it," Renji muttered, backing away.

"But it's Fudge-Poison flavored!"

"I thought you said it wasn't p-"

"Did I say poison? I mean it's fudge flavored. Just fudge. Nothing else."

Renji thought for a moment before pushing the treat away, still backing away from Mayuri. "Don't kill anybody with that," he warned, noticing that Nemu was packing various flavors of the same treat into the back of the truck. "Seriously. If old man Yamamoto-"

"Nonsense, Abarai. Now leave me be."


	4. The Interstate

****So, I started thinking, what would happen if Aizen had internet access? Well... IDK, but here's how it might start. And I know Grimmy and Aizen probably hate each other, but meh. I don't care. I like them ^-^ ****

The Interstate

"Aizen-sama, it's time you got connected to the world."

Flipping open what appeared to Aizen as a white rectangle with buttons, Grimmjow tossed himself into the nearest cushy chair and proceeded to give Aizen a tour of the infamous Internet.

"But why? I have no need to talk to humans," Aizen said lowly, gazing over Grimmjow's shoulder absently. "I will own them soon, anyway."

"You're missing the point! If you put yourself out there on this Internet thing, _everybody_ will know who you are. Then, they start 'liking' you." Grimmjow pointed at a small blue box with a thumb's up inside of it, right below a picture of himself. "I mean, look how many people like _me._ And just me. I'm so freakin' hot they can't keep themselves away. Just IMAGINE what you could do if you make yourself one of these things."

It occurred to Aizen that Grimmjow could be right—if the humans believed that he was likable, then all he had to do was waltz in at a later date and they would fall at his feet. Right? If he could get the humans to just like him...

"How do I accquire this...like?" Aizen asked. He was intrigued.

Grimmjow grinned. "Well. Ya gotta get this profile thing, right? It's on the internet. And then you put all these sexy pictures of yourself up," he started. He pulled up on of his favorites of himself as an example. "Like this one. Can you resist that? I don't think so. But the more famous you are, the more people will like you, which means you're gonna have to go bat-shit crazy with the camera. Right?"

"But what is the interstate?"

"Not interstate, _internet._ Hell, you might even make yourself a tumblr. Then you can write random-ass-shit about your evil plots and what-not, and people will start following you like sheep. I'm telling you, Aizen-sama, the internet is where it's at."

Aizen was sold. Followers (or minions, in his mind), people fawning over him...It would make conquest so much easier.

"How do I attain the interstate? I wish to own it, and all of it," he said.

Grimmjow snapped the lid of the laptop shut. "Well, you see, here in Hueco Mundo it's kind of hard to find free wi-fi..."


	5. Macbook or McBook?

**** This one is really dumb v.v sorry. But just imagine if Kenny actually tried to use a Macbook Air? It would shatter from his sheer awesomeness. ^-^ Back to work. Enjoiplees. 3 ****

4. Apple

"What wizardry is this?"

Yumichika placed his new Macbook Air on the desk triumphantly. "I got you this laptop, so you don't have to use to much paper!" he beamed, pushing the laptop toward Zaraki.

"It looks wussy," Kenpachi stated. He flipped it over in his hands, studying the vents and folds in the case. "What do you do with it anyway?"

"Open it, and you'll see."

Confused and getting frustrated, Kenpachi managed to find the hinge and figure out how to open the lid. The laptop whirred to life in his massive paws and the display flashed the Apple

logo before leading him to the log on screen. When it didn't go any farther, he was disinterested.

"I don't see what's so great about it," he growled, dropping it back onto the desk. "Go back to work."

Yumichika sighed. "Are you that technologically impaired? You have to log on, Captain. Look."

He turned the computer around for Zaraki to see, pecking away at the keys before the laptop continued on to the desktop. Again, when the screen quit moving, Kenpachi was totally

disenchanted.

"Just let me work," he snapped. "I'm hungry and this is taking too long and you're just pissing me off."

"Look look look! You can type all your work on here, though! It's got a word processor and a web cam and all sorts of things. It's the best Apple ever!"

Apple. The word caught Zaraki's attention. After all, he'd worked past lunch, and it was about time he had a snack. "What kind of apple?" he asked, peering back down at the thin laptop.

"I've never seen a silver one. Much less something so useless as this."

"No, no not the edible one. This one is for work, I keep telling you."

"But I thought you said it was an apple?"

"That's the brand! Apple makes Macbooks and all those sort of things!"

"What the hell does McDonald's have to do with that thing?"

Realizing that he wasn't getting anywhere, Yumichika snapped the laptop shut. "Just pretend like I never said anything about it," he huffed. "I'll give it to Ikkaku..."

"No, if it's edible, I want it."

"Forget it."

Yumichika left quickly before Kenpachi could confuse himself further. He had no clue that Zaraki was so naive to the technological world-and why should he be? Technology was so

smooth and sleek and beautiful. Yumichika only wanted to spread the gorgeousness with everyone.

"Stingy bastard," Zaraki muttered, waiting until Yumi's footsteps faded. "Wouldn't even give me a bite."


	6. Did He Died? And A Very Important Note

****WARNING: TOTAL AND UNADULTERATED CRACK. I don't know what possessed me to write such stupidity, but for some reason, I could see a drunk Zaraki trying to fly like Spiderman. Who knows. Anyway. I have a very special favor to ask of you guys that read this. vvv**

**Recently, a town very near and dear to me was wiped off the map by one of the numerous tornadoes that tore through the south last week. Smithville, Mississippi is a town that I have grown to love, especially since it is close to my home town and I have so many friends there. I spent a lot of time in Smithville over the summers and visit there frequently for various friends and things.**

**But there is nothing left of the main road in Smithville, which is Highway 25. The Piggly Wiggly, Dollar General, school, hardware store, and many, many houses and churches were totally annihilated. The entire town is basically flat. I ask you to pray for everyone affected by these storms- I've seen the damage first hand, and it's something that I will never be able to forget. **

**It looks like a war zone, to be honest, and it's something that moved me deeply.**

**Even if you aren't religious, then at least just keep us in your thoughts. If you can, please donate to the Red Cross or Salvation Army in your area. All donations are appreciated - these people literally have _nothing_ left to their names. **

**Thank you for reading this, and I hope you understand if I don't post for a while. I may not have internet service for a long time, and I plan on volunteering for clean up work. **

**3 you guys. ****

Did he died?

Unohana wheeled in a new patient, bleeding profusely from his left temple. Isane struggled to keep up with her, fumbling with bandages. "Who is it?" she asked frantically.  
"Another of Zaraki's men. Apparently, he was drunk, and this unfortunate soul was in the wrong place at the wrong time."  
"What do you mean? It wasn't a Hollow?"  
Unohana shook her head. "No, it was this man's fault."  
Inside the hospital room, Isane went about her business, swabbing the wound and documenting his name and rank. That is, until Zaraki burst through the door.  
"Did he died?" he howled, knocking over Insane's tray of tools.  
"He's not dead, he's just knocked out-" Isane started, but he was too persistent.  
"No, I asked you, did he died? Cuz if that bastard died I'm gonna kill him," Zaraki slurred. Still drunk.  
Calmly, Unohana waltzed in. She gave Zaraki a muted but rather angry glare, placing a thin hand on his chest. "I suggest that you wait outside, Captain," she purred, and somehow, it made it past the jingly bells and into his skull.  
He backed up, still swaying. "All I asked was did he died. Thass' what I wanna know," he muttered. "He didn't died."  
"Ah damn. Okay..."  
"Go back to watching Spiderman at your barracks."  
Zaraki sighed, stumbling toward the door. "I still don't even know how to shot web...That damn spider pansy-ass bitch man, shootin' web... All I wanted to do was shoot web an' I had to hit that bastard. Stepped in fronna me..."  
Unohana nearly lost her composure. Zaraki wouldn't remember any of this in the morning-and thankfully, he probably wouldn't try to "shot web" again. She also made a mental note to remove sake and Spiderman movies from his quarters by noon tomorrow.


	7. Purina

****ZOMG guys, I am SO SORRY! I've been on summer break. I've had a job, cleaned up storm damage, not to mention where I live is in the middle of nowhere and I don't and won't have internet until I head back to school in a couple of weeks! Be patient with me pleeeeeease, cuz I love you guys :c Well, over and out! ****

Everyone in Seventh Company knew that the Captain had a thing for dogs. Not in a weird way, he just had some sort of compassion for them. It was highly understandable, considering that Komamura minus his bucket had informed everyone of his half-canine appearance.  
Iba, however, was slightly disturbed by Komamura's sudden lack of humility. He even made jokes about himself and enjoyed Iba's cartoonish impressions of him as if he had never been sensitive to the subject at all.  
The strangest thing came when Komamura disappeared to feed the company's beloved dog. Iba, searching for the Captain to sign paperwork, ventured out into the courtyard to find him huddled in the corner with the dog, sitting in front of the food and water bowls.  
"What are you doing, Captain?"  
Komamura whirled, dropping the paper sack in his hand. The dog in front of him continued to eat and ignore them.  
"I was feeding Goro," Komamura said simply, rolling the bag up. He tucked it into his uniform.  
"So why are there crumbs...in your...ah...whiskers?"  
Perplexed, Komamura swiped at his face to dislodge the crumbs.  
"I have no idea what you're talking about, Iba," he said, flustered. "I had my lunch hours ago."  
After he signed the papers, Komamura fled into the safety of his office. He plopped the bag onto his desk, giving it a good glare before returning to his work. Thirty minutes passed. Then an hour. The bag glared back at Komamura from the corner of his desk like an angry owl. He was hungry again, and that bag was the only thing in his office.  
Why shouldn't I try it again? he thought, reaching for the paper sack. He unfurled the top of the bag, staring down at the contents. It didn't LOOK appetizing, but it tasted like pure heaven to him. Cautiously, he reached into the bag, until Iba burst through the door.  
"Captain, I-...Are you eating PURINA?"  
Komamura dropped the bag. "No, no, you don't understand-"  
"That's Purina Dog Chow! Put that down, you're not supposed to be eating that!" Iba howled, flinging papers everywhere.  
"And why shouldn't I?" Komamura said defiantly.  
Iba was dumbfounded. Why shouldn't the Captain eat it? He was...canine.  
"Fine...just...don't make it a habit," Iba muttered, walking out quietly. He was beyond perplexed, and yet he expected such eccentric behavior from his Captain.  
After a moment of silence, waiting to hear footsteps, Komamura reached for the bag.


End file.
